You Could Have Asked

Listen, I could have told you not to fuck with my husband.

I don’t know what you were thinking when you decided he was good boyfriend material, because hello…that’s my damn husband!  You knew that, you’d asked around, did your homework. I can totally understand why you wanted him, but you should have kept on moving. You made a grave miscalculation, failing to factor me in to your game plan.

I wasn’t paying attention, I saw the pictures you were posting of him but lots of people take pictures of him so that’s not a thing to me. The sheer volume got to a point where I asked him one day who you were (crazy bitch, you don’t post pictures when you’re fucking around with married people), and he said you were “just a fan”. I probably gave him some shit for a few minutes, but we’ve been married a long time and me being the chill, do-my-own-thing bitch that I am, I forgot about it. “Do-my-own-thing” not including DATING.

People can do whatever they like in their own marriages, but that’s not how this one works.

Your friends told you that my husband would never divorce me. Not because I’m so amazing, just…they told you. You didn’t listen to anyone, though; I guess you thought if you posted enough pictures of him on Facebook and checked into enough places where he was, that I’d figure things out and toss him to you in a fit of jealousy and rage. I have no doubt that my finding out was something you’d been eagerly looking forward to, knowing who you are now. Manipulative, vengeful…jealous.

Now it’s coming up on three years and you’re still on about him. That is some seriously crazy shit! Thinking you might have a chance again someday, when he hasn’t even said hello to you in YEARS. Years, ok? There’s nothing ambiguous about that. He made a huge mistake, I found out, he ended things with you, and he did what he promised me he would. He didn’t stay in touch with you on the down-low, like you thought he would. Surely this couldn’t be the actual END, surely he’d be there for you to talk to, surely he’d be back in a few days or a week or a month…or three fucking years later, right bitch? What is there about “He’s never going to speak to you or write or text or call you ever again”, that you find confusing? He hasn’t and he won’t. He knows he dodged a bullet. He knows who’s got his back, and you damn sure know who’s got his heart. It’s not that crazy bitch staring back at you in the mirror.

I’d have let him go if he’d wanted to leave when I found out, in fact I did make him go the night after I found out what was going on. I just wanted him gone for a while so I could clear my head. I didn’t want to look at him and I didn’t give a damn where he went that night. He went to you, where else would he go? I can just picture your thirsty ass eagerly awaiting his arrival wherever you met up that night, because now I knew about the affair, and what was there to stop you being together? Finally, you were free!

How disorienting it must have been to see him so intensely distressed that I’d asked him to leave our home for even one night. Did it ruin your little plans? You had no fucking idea who I was when you decided he was “The One”. You know now…I’m the one. We’re each other’s one. People get lost in marriage sometimes, that’s nothing new. We got it back together so you can stop sending out feelers via mutual friends. Did I mention it’s been three years?

I’d have told you not to fuck with my fine-ass husband. What did it get you, really? I mean, we’re fine and happy and so far beyond all that, and there you are, pining because you can’t stop thinking about him. You can’t stop thinking about his laugh, how his eyes light up and he laughs with his whole body. His beautiful smile. How warm he is, the way he smells, the way he moves. I’m sure there are plenty of things about him that you’re having a hard time forgetting. But you know, that’s YOUR fucking problem because you should have left my man alone.

He realized how much he loved me when everything fell apart. Blow shit up and you find out what’s real. I’d rather have that explosion any day than to live a life based on a lie, being content only because you don’t know things. On the verge of being blown to bits by a bomb you didn’t even know was ticking. I’ll take truth and starting over any day.

You flourished in the dark but the light of day unmasked some real ugly shit, woman. You two would have never made it just because of that, he could never be with someone like you. Malevolent, deceitful…destroyer. All that sweetness that drew you in would have withered fast under the glare of your malicious attention.

You could have asked. I’d have told you to leave that man alone, because you won’t be able to forget him. And you sure as hell won’t have him for long.

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